There was once a time when we were the baddest team in Ireland. And, by baddest, I mean we lost a lot.
Angry Andy and I (in my old Ragin' Rick moniker) started out as the tag-team known as Anger Management in Irish Whip Wrestling (for non-Irish fans: the place where WWE stars, Sheamus, Drew McIntyre and Wade Barrett cut their teeth). There were wrestlers there who aren't currently earning millions and living the dreams: that's were we come in.
Nope, it's been one long, downward spiral: from being in the ring with Sheamus, to community radio, to podcasts, to blogs now. We're still a team, we still job out like nobody's business, we just use a pen instead of our bodies now.
That's not to say we don't still dabble in the world of professional wrestling, though. You see, earlier this year, we founded WWE Parties Ireland, in doing so answering a simple problem wrestling fans have had for years: why can't WWE fans watch their events down the pub the way football, rugby, GAA and even NFL fans over here can?
Fortunately, Irish wrestling fans agreed that this was a travesty and the idea has taken off: WWE themselves now sponsor the events, stars such as Zack Ryder and Jim Ross have plugged our parties, and our regulars have ensured that every night has an amazing atmosphere. This Sunday, we run the first-ever Royal Rumble Party in Captain America's Grafton Street.
So, with the Royal Rumble also coinciding on a weekend were the Premier League is giving way to the FA Cup 4th Round (and I was spectacular dumped out in the 3rd round, going 0-5 in my Cup-set Specials) and Andy's regular muse - the NFL - taking its traditional pre-Superbowl holiday for the Pro Bowl, I've given him the week off and am instead devoting this week's picks to the WWE spectacular! Feel free to join in: we'll be running a prediction contest on the WWE Parties Ireland Facebook this weekend.
Pre-Show: US Champion, ANTONIO CESARO vs. THE MIZ
I don't get Antonio Cesaro. Yeah, he was good in Ring of Honor as Claudio Castagnoli, but at the moment it seems as if he's playing out what would've happened to Daniel Bryan had he not had (what turned out to be) the luck of getting fired to give him a bit of martyr-like notoriety.
Yes, he's a great wrestler. Yes, that means that he could one day take off ala Daniel Bryan AND CM Punk. But it seems as if he's just stuck in limbo with WWE not having a clue what to do with him and not particularly being arsed enough to change that fact. When you've this little momentum while they're trying to push you, it's not a sure thing that they'll come back for a second bite of the cherry. He needs something. Fast.
The Miz is the complete opposite of this: he should've been terrible on paper, but over the years he's scratched and clawed his way to being interesting.Whereas you feel that Cesaro is reaching the end of his current run and they'll try something new with him, Miz turning face means he's new and shiny enough for them to want to take him out of the box and play with him. This is perfect for the US Title in WrestleMania season: they can book him in easy-to-write angles that gives them a Mania match with minimum effort and allows them to focus more on the bigger picture.
In fact, I'd say they'll just keep these two together for a while to see if Miz can let Cesaro shine. Why not bring out a Best-of-7 series? They haven't done one of them in a while. Anyway, they can't start that on a pre-show unless something big happens, so Miz wins the belt here.
WWE Tag-Team Champions, TEAM HELL NO vs. TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS
You've got to love WWE booking logic when it comes to the tag-team division: if even the smallest idea works, they just run with it (I remember noticing this in a previous life - when I used to write for wrestling fan websites - when they made one 4-way tag-team title match at WrestleMania 18. Then, for the hell of it, they did the exact same for the other belts. Research this theory if you wish, it checks out.).
In this instance, it's the simple idea of putting two random guys together, putting the word 'Team' in front of them, combining something about each character in the rest of the name and, voila, they're a team! It makes you wonder what else they'd call teams of randomly paired wrestlers...
- Miz & Antonio Cesaro = Team Awesome Swiss!
- Wade Barrett & Sheamus = Team British Fellas! (while all of Ireland has a shitfit)
- Big Show & Ryback = Team Feed Me More...And More!
As for the match, Kane and Daniel Bryan don't really have anything else to do right now, so to break them up makes no sense. Unfortunately, that's exactly what I think happens here.
A lot of people like Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow, but I don't see it. I've spoken before about how I don't think Rhodes has much upside beyond his last name. Sandow, to me, seems to be Chris Masters with a troll-y gimmick. And I hate troll-y gimmicks. Granted, I realise that if you were going to describe the role of a heel in two words it would be to, essentially, 'troll people'.
But there's a difference between a good troll and a bad troll. Good heels are such because they can touch a nerve and get even the most hard-nosed, smart fans to want to see them punched in the face. The likes of JBL and Ted DiBiase worked because they would remind people how poor and average they were; CM Punk and Chris Jericho's 'Best in the World' gimmicks work because people do enjoy seeing them wrestle, but they're arseholes about it.
Condescending gimmicks can work, but not when they're as lazy and obvious as just sending someone out with a fancy haircut, robe and tell them to just 'use big words'. That's one-step in the cliché ladder above an inexperienced, indy wrestler being a bad guy just because he wears sunglasses.
For an example of condescension working in a character, think Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory (except lose the funny and amp up the attitude). I don't believe in Sandow when he does it, therefore I don't inherently want to see someone punch him, therefore it leaves the door open for kids to boo him...but instantly forget him as soon as he's gone. Or for smarter fans to judge him on merit and start to ironically like him. Neither end makes money.
Luckily for him, he's teaming with Rhodes (now with added MOUSTACHE...and it's not even November! The bastard!), who WWE are determined to make succeed despite the fact that he's about as wooden as me when Kaley Cuoco gets all sexy-cute (yes, I'm on a Big Bang Theory buzz. I'll stop now), so they'll probably get the belts as Daniel Bryan and Kane reignite a feud that failed so badly the last time they tried it, that they ended up becoming a popular tag-team.
Last Man Standing Match: World Champion, ALBERTO DEL RIO vs. BIG SHOW
I'm kinda fascinated with Del Rio as a face, and I think that's why it works. Aside from Rodriguez's intros getting increasingly (and epically) OTT, all he does now is smile, and yet I'm perfectly happy to cheer along for him and go with it. Couldn't tell you why.
That said, I've always been a fan. The guy is clearly a workhorse in the ring and brings an explosive element to his matches (as a face or heel) that make him different from the WWE moulded brand of workers.
Very few wrestling matches can interest me these days because there isn't much that I haven't seen before. I've stopped watching TNA, RoH or anything from Japan since I've stopped wrestling myself, I fast forward through a lot of Raw and only see SmackDown on 'This Week in WWE' and the only matches I'll consciously sit down and watch each month are on PPV. And yet every time I see Del Rio on screen, I sit up and pay attention. He's new, he's different, he's exciting. So I'm optimistic for his face run: I hope they make him an Eddie Guerrero brand of face, in keeping his heelish qualities but making them fun. With Rodriguez beside him, they could be onto something here. And I think they know it, hence the title run.
Big Show is another man experiencing a renaissance of sorts: his performances of late remind me of his run as ECW Champion were he was putting on qualities matches each week. He can be as bland and as vanilla as anyone when given nothing to work with, but give him a meaty run and he can step up. So, while I don't see this being a 5-star classic, I don't think it'll be poor either.
Since it's their second Last Man Standing match, I see a different outcome: Big Show to win here in what, I suppose, is as close to an 'upset special' as you'll get in a WWE column. Del Rio gets a bit of face momentum from a sneaky loss and wins the belt back at Elimination Chamber, to set up a tasty Mania opener with Dolph Ziggler.
WWE Champion, CM PUNK vs. THE ROCK
There is no bad outcome to this match for me. It's my favourite guy from today versus my favourite of all-time, a dream match in every sense and I'm so glad that they've done this right. Cena/Rock was more in keeping with Cena's forced, 'Grr! I don't like you and what you stand for, let's fight, Queensbury Rules' style than The Rock's. Fuck 'legend vs legend' matches and divided loyalties, let's just keep it simple stupid and give wrestling fans what they want: one good guy being really good versus one bad guy being really bad.
Punk is in rare form (even by his own high standards), up there with all-time classic, 80's heels like Ted DiBiase, Randy Savage, Iron Shiek, Sgt Slaughter, anyone; each week ramping up the arsehole factor and making you want to see Hulk Hogan (or The Rock, in this case) come along and run over his arse. Each week getting that little bit more bad ass so that, no matter how many times you've seen it before, you have that seed of doubt that the good guy mightn't do it. That's what makes wrestling work at its finest.
Though this programme has kinda crept up on everyone (despite the match being announced six months ago!), The Rock has done a great job in both reminding everyone why we love him and still selling the shit out of this match. And not having to compete for zingers this time has allowed him to do so perfectly: I LOVE when he slips seamlessly between funny and serious, as he's been doing for the past few weeks. And I'm more pumped for this match than I was the Cena one (where my main concern was, "Please don't be shit"). These two are going to absolutely tear it down in what could, potentially, be the best WWE match since Punk/Cena at Money in the Bank 2011.
As for the result? Well, there's the crux: history tells me that Rock beats the bad guy, but there's that small seed of doubt within me that thinks Punk's run isn't quite over until Mania. That seed of doubt also has me looking towards Paul Heyman...constantly singled out for insult by The Rock over the past few weeks...last seen before his latest run with Punk as Brock Lesnar's representative...the SAME Brock Lesnar who is front and middle of the WWE WrestleMania 29 poster BESIDE The Rock and John Cena...CM Punk has been told by Vince McMahon that The Shield can't interfere on Sunday...but Vince didn't say that nobody was banned from interfering...
Fuck it, I'm calling it: Brock interferes and costs Rock the match. Punk's streak goes on.
ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH
And thus begins the time of year when wrestling fans frantically start writing fantasy WrestleMania cards, each time thinking THAT card would be amazing and is DEFINITELY gonna happen (even though it looks ridiculous to everyone else and, for no particular reason, contains at least one 6-way Hell in a Cell match between midcard wrestlers who aren't even feuding)...then having to re-write it after each Raw when their plans go to shit. Eventually, they'll settle for getting no correct guesses and calling the card WWE does come up with 'shit'. It's a part of the fan experience.
The reason being, it's impossible to predict the Royal Rumble without running these crazy scenarios throughout your head. My own wackjob prediction is that Dolph Ziggler is going to go for both belts at WrestleMania, earning a shot at one then using his Money in the Bank contract for the other (he hasn't used that yet, right?). He wins one belt and loses the other, in the process starting a feud to unify the belts. I have absolutely NO basis for this and yet I'm still 100% convinced it will happen. And when it inevitably doesn't, I'll think it's shit that Vince McMahon didn't read my mind. See? Part of the process.
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| All three of these will be a part of my '6-way, Three Stages of Hell...In A Cell! match' that'll be the opener at WrestleMania 29. Wait and see... |
Another thing that seems depressingly inevitable is that John Cena wins the Rumble match. It's like WWE were setting last year's run of big PPV losses up for him to have an undefeated run of big matches and have us be okay with it. Sorry WWE, it really isn't.
I don't even hate John Cena, I'm happy to have him do his thing, but the problem - as it's always been - is that when you present him as the best thing going...everything else seems a bit shit by default. Like if Joe Flacco wins a Superbowl for the Baltimore Ravens: Flacco is a good player, who can be spectacular on his day, but if THAT'S the quarterback lifting the Vince Lombardi trophy it doesn't so much reflect on him than begging the question: don't we have better QBs out there who should be doing this instead?
There's also the possibility of the surprise comeback, and given the combination of how little I want to see Cena winning and how unlikely that any of the gang who invaded the ring to end Monday's Raw, I'm hoping there lies a more interesting solution.
We've already spoken about how Brock Lesnar is due back any day now, but I'm hedging my bets that he's interfering in the title match. The Undertaker is also due back...and the Rumble would be a perfect way to introduce a new rivalry when there aren't any obvious other opponents. Will he wrestle for the belt, though? Nobody would buy that he's coming back for a full-time schedule...meaning he'd obviously have to lose the streak. Nah, too many variables for WWE to tie themselves into a corner.
You've got Ziggler starting at Number One? It's possible...and would also make my 'double title match' idea plausible too! But no, I see him lasting a long-time but getting eliminated late on.
Sheamus? Won last year, not interesting enough to justify two wins in a row. Randy Orton? Not a hope. See also: Wade Barrett. Ryback? Dear god no: I like the guy but couldn't stand two months of him traipsing around the ring like a Bushwhacker on steroids, leading to the main event of the biggest show of the year.
Yeah, Cena's gonna win it. If you're in Captain's on Sunday, could you at least save the rioting until you get outside? And you can also blame WWE, not us, for the crushing disappointment to end the night.
If you live in Ireland, a limited amount of tickets are still on sale for the WWE Royal Rumble Party in Captain America's, Grafton St on Sunday. Get them now while you still can. You can also follow Rick on Twitter for updates!
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