The Friend Zone

by Rick Nash

Ever get the feeling that the gambling gods don't like you?

Unfortunately, for my bank balance, I'm a needy bastard. The kind of guy who, in spite of the gods' persistent rejection, keeps coming back for more punishment. Recently, said gods have been treating me like a girl deliberately leading a guy on before putting him in the friend zone: luring me into a constant false sense of hope before crushing and humiliating me mercilessly. Then smiling at me the next time I see her like nothing happened, so instead of making the sensible decision and moving onto better life decisions, the chase begins again.

That girl looks nothing like this.

Most recently, there was the 7-for-7, which withstood two dramatic comebacks from the LA Lakers @ Toronto and QPR beating Sunderland, only to be foiled by the 'easy pick': England were barely able to hang onto their 7-point lead over Italy, much less cover the 'well-it-sounded-smart-at-the-time' alternative handicap of -16. To add insult to injury, Arsenal then went and proved my initial reservations expressed in that exact column right by nearly overturning Bayern Munich.

Fast forward onto Thursday and my darts picks, where the game that I predicted would be a draw but avoided because it was too close to call, turned out to be exactly right!!! Not content to let me look like a misunderstood genius undone by one bad call, though, the gambling gods then foiled two of my further picks, with James Wade and Phil Taylor going down to Simon Whitlock and Andy Hamilton respectively.

And yet, there she is. Smiling at me in that cutesy way again, my knees weak and the memory of my heart being crushed being completely evaporated by false hope.

You may think I'm a fool for even glancing at another accumulator with this pain so fresh in my mind. But to any of you who think so, I ask the following: how could you turn a €5 bet including Georges St Pierre, Sebastian Vettel and the England rugby union side (all massive favourites) into a whopping €439? I'll tell you how with some quick picks for Paddy's weekend...

All odds via Paddy Power. Picks in CAPS.


Premier League
Everton vs. MAN CITY (11/10)

A must-win game between two clubs of quality usually indicates a draw. Everton playing against Man City usually indicates a troublesome time for City. And yet, despite all of this, I'm going for City in Goodison Park tomorrow. Having not even conceded a goal in their four victories since being upset by Southampton, City know that their time for making mistakes is running out. They'll be smelling blood off the back of seeing United pegged back by Real Madrid and Chelsea and, even if it's just for a few hours before I see United re-instating their commanding lead at the top, will see 9 points as a very small gap should they get by Everton. This being the same Everton side that, in the past six weeks, were destroyed by Wigan in the FA Cup 6th Round, required a replay to see off Oldham in the 5th, were humbled by Norwich and required a miraculous comeback to get a point off Aston fucking Villa. Their season is in a spiral (at least temporarily) and City are great value when you look at the form cards.


Southampton vs. LIVERPOOL (19/20)

Speaking of form cards, have you seen Liverpool play lately?! If they can avoid making an absolute balls of the summer transfer window, which is their usual undoing, next year COULD actually be their year. Brendan Rodgers seems to have finally found his winning formula with Coutinho, Sturridge and Suarez leading the line, getting some beautiful play that I'd watch all day if the players initiating it weren't wearing Liverpool shirts. As you can see, I'm selling my soul here for the sake of a quick buck and picking Liverpool to keep Southampton's struggles going.


Six Nations
Wales vs. ENGLAND (10/11 @ -1.0 handicap)

How the hell does it come about that a side who's been undefeated, and downright unstoppable at times, goes into a game against a side who hadn't won an international rugby game in a year and lost to Ireland (in the latter's most humbling Six Nations campaign in a while) on the opening day as the underdogs (with the critics, if not the bookies)? People are banging on about Wales' home advantage, but do those people know the last time Wales won a game at home? JUNE 2012! How about the last time they won an international game at home? PADDY'S DAY 2012! And yet people are sticking the house on them to pip England to the Six Nations? Nah, I'm sorry. They've beaten a hungover Italy, miserable French side and battled well to see of Scotland...but that's hardly the stuff of champions. England have gotten their bad performance out of their system now and, according to the rule of Sir Alex Ferguson, having won ugly will bounce back impressively like a true quality side to win the Grand Slam.


UFC 158
UFC Welterweight Championship: GEORGES ST PIERRE vs. Nick Diaz by KO (4/1) 

Bare with me a second here. Yes, I realise that it's been four years since GSP has finished someone. But this Sunday, it's a battle of the mouthy, jealous, unpredictable fighter that blames the world for his problems...versus a champion who's worked his arse off to enjoy the success he currently does, and all that goes with it. Nick Diaz is on the verge of being cut by the UFC, facing a drug test that he looks certain to fail and having no-showed some of his pre-fight obligations, and to make matters worse he's thrash-talked so much over the past couple of years that he's made one of the world's elite fighters PISSED. So pissed that GSP is going to want to humiliate him, and he has everything in his power to do so. Diaz has a decent MMA record of 26-8 and has decent boxing and BJJ, but comes into this fight off a loss and a suspension for drug use. The only reason he's here is because he's angered St Pierre. Something special is going down. Isn't this the perfect time - facing vastly inferior opposition that he wants to pummel - for GSP to answer critics that say he can't finish fights?

By the way, the last person he finished? BJ Penn: a boxing and BJJ specialist. Styles make fights and Nick Diaz has just the style, and attitude, that GSP likes to KO.

F1 Australian GP 
SEBASTIAN VETTEL (5/4 each-way)

Formula One is generally the absolute worst sport in the world you can bet on, with a genuine risk that your entire bet can go up in smoke by the first corner, but I had to do something to mark the first race of the new calendar. I've a good feeling about Ferrari this year, but Red Bull have been dominating the Albert Park practises so far, so a Sebastian Vettel each-way bet (meaning I just need a podium finish from him when he's favourite to finish on pole) is too tempting to pass up.







Rick Nash is a former pro-wrestler who currently DJs for hire, makes piss-poor sports bets and has a community radio show. Altogether, he's a real bum, and you should be ashamed of yourself if you thought this piece was in any way insightful or entertaining. But still, follow him on Twitter and stuff.